Thursday, April 30, 2015

Big Girl & Little Girl Hilarious Clips

April, 2015 has been a world-wide bust. Goodbye April, hello "whatever".  Here are a few chuckles:


Amy Schumer, Tina Fey, Patricia Arquette and Julia Louis-Dreyfus spoof female ageism in film in a ruthlessly funny video Un-fu*#able. Warning: Brutal honesty and language may offend some dip sticks.







Amy Schumer: Hey Girl you Don't Need Makeup, or whatever. 


Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Vertical & Container Gardening for Everyone


Whether you live in the Sahara desert or in an urban jungle growing your own vegetables is not only possible, but do-able.  The foremost authority on gardening in drought stricken areas is Dr. Willem Van Cotthem author of numerous studies on sustainable gardening and the importance of community based gardening.

According to Healthy Urban Habitat, the vertical gardening addresses conservation of water and resources with the added benefit of healthy fruit.  The author suggests employing various methods to cut down on fertilizer and other additives to ensure a healthy garden.

Mother Earth News offers numerous tips on vegetables and herbs that do especially well in vertical gardens. The advice will save you time and money in planting a garden.


Dr.Van Cotthem will show you how to make a vertical garden made of discarded plastic bottles which he calls The Bottle Garden. The article will provide you with a step by step approach to creating a sustainable vegetable garden which saves water and produces large quality fruit.

Check with your local garden center for ideas and materials to create an abundant garden wherever you live. 


Monday, April 27, 2015

Mrs. Wood's Place



 

Mrs. Wood's Place

By Mary Anne Simpson

I am Mrs. Eugenia Wood the dowager of Ogden Mansion. Our family estate has spanned over a century in common man years. We are not advocates of change and prefer tradition. The tell-tale signs of a new tenant are apparent; the pungent smells of Lysol, Clorox and a supermarket Rug Doctor contraption clattering down the hall. Mr. White's unmistakable shuffling to and fro on the carefully hewn oak floors.

"We've got two days to whip this place into shape, Jimmy," said Mr. White.

"No sweat", Jimmy said.

Outside the deafening sounds of a leaf blower and power mower were removing the last vestiges of autumn. A cold chill crept through the vintage window casings and the steam boiler rattled with every attempt to start up. A few snow flurries yesterday and assurances that a blast of Arctic air and a blizzard was due any day. My place can withstand the harshest of winters and the sizzling heat of summer. If only they would leave us alone.

In the early1900s my estate was the center of every festive event in the city. The mansion was built for Henry Ogden, a railroad tycoon and owner of Ogden Enterprises. He was the richest man in the city and some said he was the richest man west of the Mississippi. It was the first private residence with indoor plumbing, electricity and boasted 14 bedrooms. The entryway was constructed with Italian marble shipped by rail car from a port in Seattle. Gold plated faucets, sinks and gold leaf filigree ornaments challenged the depository at Fort Knox.

Ogden was a ladies man as the story goes my place currently known as 2B was his love parlor. Many tipsy love interests passed out and were helped into cars in the wee hours of the night while Mrs. Henry Ogden slept. Five kids and a beautiful wife and old Henry sleazing around and nobody notice, except us of course. That's how our family came into our Wood's Crown Jewels. Grandmother Wood called it the Trollops Booty.

The Ogden mansion fell on hard times after Henry Ogden went bust in the crash of 29. He and his family moved back East and the mansion was stripped of anything salvageable for some cash. Several ne'er-do-wells were the highest bidders at the foreclosure sale, but nobody occupied my place.

Decades went by and finally Ogden mansion was boarded up. Sometime in the 1970s some real estate moron renovated the old mansion and created Ogden Arms apartments. Most of the units were convenience apartments and a few were designated one-bedroom luxury apartments.

"We'll have this place ship-shape for you Miss Pristine," said Mr. White. He was sweating and looked red in the face as he showed the new tenant 2B. It's been closed up for quite awhile, but all it needs is some fresh air and a good cleaning."

"I smell something like dust and mold," said Miss Pristine. "I have a keen nose and I sure hope you are able to get rid of that smell." "I have several places to choose from, but I like the view and the charm of this apartment." She brushed aside an itsy bitsy cob web with her lily white hand as she bounded down the oak stairs.

Well, that won't be too hard. I have enough dust, old junk and torn up upholstery in my place to send her fleeing to the next choice. My grandmother told me and her grandmother told her, "Never underestimate the power of the Wood family." I inherited a treasure trove of tiaras, bracelets, earrings and rings that would make the Royals jealous. We are a crafty and resourceful family. Many maids and housekeepers were fired for stealing guest's jewelry. No one suspected the Wood's family. I will employ Plan B and send Miss keen-nose screaming out the door.

The grandfather clock chimed twelve times as the Wood's family gathered in the parlor. "My dear ones, we have a problem. I gave them the terrible details. It seems our beautiful family gathering place is being invaded by a persnickety stranger. Our family has and always will be the tradition keepers of this house. We have a duty entrusted to us by the Spirit to preserve and protect our heritage until the last wall and floor board rots into the earth. I need all of you to rustle up some dust and some foul odors, post haste."

"Oh Auntie-how terrible," chimed the young Wood nephews and nieces. "Whatever can we do?"

"We will do what we have always done-we will prevail," I assured the young ones.

"I will manage the collection of odorous material," said Cousin Ollie. I recall great-grandpa Clyde telling us about the 1985 invasion. The Wood family had to hide out in the old carriage house for months until the insurgents finally gave up. Our Mexican cousins were all captured and deported-caged up just like animals. Unlike our branch of the family they don't have our camouflage.

We need to nip this attack on our way of life with the force and fury only our family name can wager."

"Good show, my darlings, we will triumph," I assured everyone.

We scampered all through the night from the basement to the attic portico. The Wood younglings strategically placed dust, mold and rotten material in the heating ducts in apartment 2B. It was a fast and furious operation.

Late in the afternoon, Miss keen-nose and Mr. White showed up with a couple of moving men in tow.

"It's clean as a watchmaker's tool kit," said Mr. White.

"I'd like to check out the plumbing and heating, if you don't mind," said Miss Pristine.

"There's hot water, said Mr. White as he turned on the kitchen faucet and then moved to the bathroom-hot water. The boiler is nearly new; it was reconditioned two-years ago. Mr. White turned on the heater."

"Oh my God! Miss Pristine gasping for air and screeching at the same time screamed, "Oh my God, what is that horrendous smell?"

"Hey Man, you've got wood rats or some people call'em pack rats," said the blue coverall moving man.

"What are you talking about? Mr. White said as his face had turned from blood red to pure white in 60 seconds flat. We have squirrels-not pack rats."

"We see it all the time in old buildings, said the other moving man. Our northern bushy tail pack rats look like squirrels, but you've got pack rats, bud-the unmistakable smell." "It's going to cost you a pretty penny to get rid of them-they're in the walls and probably all through the house and basement."

Miss Pristine was last seen, racing out the door and sitting in the moving van talking on her cell phone.

A gentle snow began to fall. The moving van's breaks screeched as it exited the driveway and never came back.

 As the old mansion quieted down late in the evening the Wood's family gathered in my parlor. Silver plates adorned with fruits, nuts and a discarded fruitcake were passed around. We partied like Sammy Davis Jr. and Frank Sinatra's famous Rat Pack.

I wore my precious silver and gold jewelry. Around midnight we sang our favorite song, we did it, we did it, and we doggone did it.

The grandfather clock stopped chiming sometime that year. The annoying intrusions by strangers came to a halt and like his predecessors Mr. White retired somewhere else. The annoying clanking of the steam boiler ceased. The Wood's family life went back to normal. At last there was peace and quiet in apartment 2B and throughout my place.

Breakfast Sonnet

by Mary Anne Simpson



Preparing Breakfast is Like Sex

Both require attraction and a coupling


of ingredients. Appearances matter


First impressions flatter, Cuisine


Intoxicates the senses with fragrances


Of Fiji pears Raspberries jam

Smothering in cream cheese; enfold


Caressing tender fruits, gently placed


On a baguette, titillate the taste buds


And satiate the gullet.


Bubbling spirits, champagne flutes


Pay homage to Bacchus,


Obliterate all deep-seated restraints.


A rendezvous of epic ecstasy


Two hearts rejoice.


Sing praises of unity, a culmination


Of sensory delights destined


For a stellar engagement.


Friday, April 24, 2015

Netflix--Must See

Netflix Surpasses All Expectations for Showcasing New Quality Programming.

By: Mary Anne Simpson



Crossing Lines:

Edward Allen Bernero, creator, head writer and producer assembled an unlikely band of super sleuths headquartered at the Hague International Criminal Court's special investigative unit which as the title suggests, cross international borders to bring heinous criminals to justice. Human trafficking, child exploitation, illegal weapons sales, drug smuggling with instances of political corruption slithering to the untouchable hierarchy at the top.

The concept for Crossing Lines is interesting, but the relationship among the team members makes the two season, twenty-two episodes enthralling and addictive.  In fact each of the characters has at least one flaw which run the gamut from a pain pill popping ex New York cop played by William Fichner to alcohol, gambling and compulsive addicts. Donald Sutherland, a survivor of Nazi atrocities plays the Inspector of the ICC and the team's liaison and backer whose sage wisdom is garnered from a life time of hunting down war criminals.

The rest of the team members are young, smart, good looking and tech savvy. The team is lead by Louis Daniel played by Marc Lavoine, a heralded French police investigator and appointed member of Europol whose cherished son was murdered for revenge. Everyone has some skin in the game.

The show has everything; smart dialogue, multidimensional characters and plots that will keep you watching on the edge of your seat. 



Bloodlines:

The Rayburn family puts on a great face for their public role as innkeepers of a picturesque Bed & Breakfast on the Florida Keys.  Sissy Spacek plays the ever consoling and cheery matriarch with Sam Shepard as a hard driving bourbon on the rocks patriarch of the Rayburn clan.  The rub comes when the profoundly damaged, alcohol-drug addicted eldest son comes home with an expressed desire to make amends and pick up where he never fit in.  This is a complicated family with some routine secrets, but a tragic dark secret that defines and ultimately reduces them to a pack of wolves.

The scenery is dynamic and the story is raw with emotion.  This is an exceptional piece of screen magnetism that will encourage binge viewing.    

 Good View:

For some good time programming, check out The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt written by Tina Fey and Robert Carlock, staring Ellie Kemper. The story follows Kimmy as she maneuvers her way around New York City after being held hostage in a bunker for 15-years by a doomsday religious fanatic. Avoiding spoilers, episode 11,12 and 13 shine for the incomparable Tina Fey.

A golden goody starring Robert Duvall, Sissy Spacek and Bill Murray in Get Low will bring tears of laughter and sympathy for the back country hermit riddled with guilt and remorse who gives death a punch line.

The Australian mini series, The Code (2014), featuring two brothers who stumble upon secret chemical warfare activity that leads to the Prime Minister's office.This is a take no prisoners glimpse at domestic and international intrigue that will make even the most laid back Aussie think twice about reporting suspicious activity. 

The future sure looks bright for streaming high quality content from the comfort of home. 









Thursday, April 23, 2015

Respect the Cat



 

Respect the Cat: Hunter and Grooming Traits


By Mary Anne Simpson

Our domestic cat is by nature a hunter. A happy cat is a well-groomed member of the household. Respect the cat's true nature and you will have a friend forever.

Hunter Behavior:

A cat is a natural hunter. The family cat has not forgotten his roots in the wild. Several thousand years of breeding has not changed the basic hunting instinct of a cat. Nearly every part of a cat's body is used to hunt. An older cat's eye captures three times more light than a human eye. A cat's hearing is three times better than humans and five-times more sensitive than a dog's ability to hear high-pitch sounds.

The stealth body of a cat enables him to sneak around behind bushes and crouch down flat to the ground enabling him to analyze his targeted prey. He waits quietly unseen until the time is right and pounces on the prey using his front paws and claws for their intended purpose-snag and capture.

According to cat scientists and veterinarians there is little difference between the loving family cat and lions, cheetahs, tigers and snow leopards. Cats learn the art of hunting by playing hunting games as kittens. This is similar to children playing a game of Hide and Seek, but makes no mistake cats are not like little humans. Cats take their cue from their ancestral link in the wild. Cats in the wild hunt for food and survival.

The family cat hunts not because he is hungry, but because he is inherently wired to do so. Cat hunting behavior involves chasing flying insects, colorful knitted balls and leaping into the air to snag a string suspended above its head. Whether the cat is in the wild or in the loving arms of a pet owner, it only succeeds in catching prey 60-percent of the time. Practice increases success.

Grooming Behavior:

Happy cats clean themselves with great care. Scientists believe cat grooming such as licking and grooming by selective fur-biting is triggered by the cerebellum and medulla region of the cat brain. A contented cat will spend time licking its fur, removing dead hair from its coat and carefully cleaning all of its body parts. Thus, the dreaded hairball may develop.

A hairball is a nasty result of grooming. A cat uses the barb-like projections on the tongue to clean and remove dead hair from its coat. Sometimes the excess hair sticks to a cat's tongue and eventually is swallowed. The hair accumulates in the stomach because it is not digestible. Most often, the cat is able to vomit up the hairball. It isn't a ball at all. A hairball is usually tubular in shape.

If a hairball becomes too large, it may get stuck in the cat's esophagus. The esophagus is a tube-like hose that connects the stomach to the mouth. If the cat is refusing to eat, is sad and listless, appears to be choking and can't regurgitate the hairball, this is the time to call a veterinarian.

Hairball Prevention:

A good way to prevent hairballs is for pet owners to assist cats in grooming by performing daily or routine combing or brushing of the cat's fur. After brushing, wipe the cat's coat with a damp cloth to remove loose hairs. A veterinarian can give cat owners medicine to prevent hairballs and provide good advice for prevention.

More About Cat Behaviors:

A cat has many behaviors. The hunting and grooming behaviors are probably the most important features of what comes naturally to a cat. Scientists who observe cats and analyze their behavior are called cat behaviorists. A fun kid experiment is to keep a diary for a week of all the behaviors of the family cat. Check out a variety of cat breeds for their special skills.

Published by maryanne simpson

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Chance Encounters






Chance Encounters

Inspired by Chop Suey by Edward Hopper (1929)

By Mary Anne Simpson

The early afternoon sun shone bright filtered by the high rise buildings as I walked several blocks for the luncheon special at the Chinese café. Monday through Friday the café special offered a twofer chop suey fare. I spotted a girl about my age waiting in line for a table. She wore a teal blue knitted cloche exactly like my brown hat. “Do you like chop suey”, I said.

She laughed and introduced herself as Betty. “Sure do, girlfriend, I like your hat, what’s your name?”

My name is Joanna Metcalf, but my friends call me Jo.

I looked around the café taking in the charm of ten small rectangular tables covered with Asian silk screen tablecloths.. At each table two people were seated either reading the menu or partaking in the chop suey luncheon special. Everyone was counting pennies since the rumors of financial ruination grasped the life out of the city. The window coverings around our table were made of rice paper with painted designs which let in some sunlight and a dash of color from the orange diagonal sign affixed to the outside of the building.

The smell of ginger, soy sauce and garlic waffled through the café. It was late November and the café was warm and inviting as the hint of winter made its way to the city. Working in Manhattan was a life long dream. As a child growing up in Hastings, Nebraska I recall spending hours in our local library reading about the Big Apple.

I hung my camel coat on the coat tree next to the table. The brisk walk to the café left me starving for a heaping bowl of chop suey and a cup of tea. Betty grasped my hand and it felt like a frozen bag of peas. “I forgot my gloves”, Betty said. .

 It occurred to me that I had left my gloves on the hostess table while waiting in line. “Thanks for reminding me Betty.” I left my handbag on our table and scurried to the front of the café.  Thankfully the hostess located my gloves and I returned to lunch with my new best friend Betty.

“Where do you work Betty”, I asked.

I am a bookkeeper for Sloan & Frogmen on Eighth Avenue”, Betty said. 

What a peculiar coincidence. “Gee whiz Betty; we have more in common than just a hat preference.  I work as a bookkeeper for the transit system on Eighth Avenue.”

 “Now isn’t that the limit” Betty giggled. We will have to make this café a regular pay day event. 

“Are you kidding, did you just get paid as I did today?”

“Good grief, maybe we were sisters in another life.” Betty replied.

We ordered the chop suey special and within minutes the waiter brought our tea and chop suey in brightly painted bowls. I used a small amount of soy sauce on my dish and as you might guess, Betty did the same.  We chatted about the possible collapse of the financial markets and agreed it was just a fluke that would be over lickety-split.

Betty mentioned her mother had recently retired in North Carolina. Oddly, my mother and dad had recently retired in Orlando, Florida. We laughed at the unique similarities in our background and personal taste. She said her mother wanted to move to Florida but her sister insisted she move closer to her in North Carolina. Our chance encounter was a welcome break in my tedious week of spreadsheets and numbers.

Abruptly, Betty excused herself from the table, saying she needed to use the girl’s room. I waited for some ten minutes, but she never returned.  I was a little miffed, but getting back to work on time was primary on my mind. Jobs in the city are hard to come by and I was lucky to chalk up five years seniority. I grabbed my coat, paid for lunch out of my coin purse and literally ran back to work.

My boss, Mr. Shivers was waiting for me at my desk when I got back to the office. “What’s going on with you?”

 I am so sorry I am late, Mr. Shivers, was all I could say.

“No dear, I am not worried about you being late”, he said.

I looked at him quizzically, “then what is it Mr. Shivers?”  

“If you plan on quitting, just tell me,” he said.

I am not quitting, I tried to interject.  

 Your sister Betty called and said that you are moving to Florida,” said Mr. Shivers. She wanted to verify your address where your final check could be sent. Funny, she had the address all wrong so I straightened that out and she thanked me for being so kind to her sister.

“That’s ridiculous, I had lunch with a stranger named Betty and she skipped out on the lunch bill and I have no intention of quitting my job,” I replied.

After these strange sets of encounters I could hardly wait for 5 o’clock. On my way home on the F train, a gentleman in a dark gray hat and gray suit offered me a seat next to him. He moved over to the window and made room for me to comfortably spread out on the seat with my purse in my lap.

“Boy, oh boy, you had a rough day,” the gentleman said.

“What do you mean?” I quizzed him.

 “Well, little lady I am a detective with the Pinkerton Agency and you have been bamboozled,” he said.

“Look in your wallet,” the Pinkerton man said.

 I was taken off guard, but I complied with his request. “Oh, my God, all of my money is gone,” I squealed.

“Yep, he said. I will be coming home with you because if Betty is still as good as her record, your apartment is bare.”  I have been tailing Betty a.k.a. Myrna Fox and her partner Jeb Dempsey for a jewelry heist. I was hired by the insurance company that insured the jewelry. The gruesome twosome must be running short of pocket money.

 My head was spinning; I was sick to my stomach and felt like throwing up. Where had I gone wrong?  I thought back on my meeting with Betty. Meeting her was like meeting my twin—a doppelganger. My studies in college literature should have forewarned me. Doppelgangers are a bad omen or a symbol of bad events to follow.

I realized that I told Betty way too much personal information without even knowing her. I gave her plenty of opportunity to steal my folding money from my wallet when I went to look for my gloves. I paid for lunch out of my coin purse. Betty had the upper hand from the minute I saw her waiting in line. She stood out like an image of me looking to save some money for lunch.  Of course I would try to befriend her.


We arrived in Brooklyn around 5:40 pm as the street lights illuminated Church Street. I nearly flew out of my pumps as the long-legged Pinkerton man guided me in a fast gait. In my mind, I tried to reassure myself that no one could be that insidious and Betty was merely playing a practical joke on me.

Out of breath, we arrived at my apartment and the door was wide open, revealing a stark emptied out living space. The super was at the door.

“I am so sorry to hear you are leaving for Florida to take care of your ailing mother,” the building superintendent said.

I grabbed the Pinkerton man’s arm to keep me steady.

“Your lovely sister Betty got everything all packed up for the movers, and they had everything in the van by 5’oclock.” 

I looked at the Pinkerton man and all I could think to say was, “Chance encounters or fool’s folly.” 

The Pinkerton man said, let’s go to dinner on my expense account and sort this out.

We walked to the Italian bistro on the corner and sat at a small table in the back. The Italian place is one of my favorite spots in Brooklyn. The tables are covered in red and white check gingham tablecloths with Chianti wine bottles wrapped in straw serving as candleholders. The smells of oregano, simmering meatball sauce and garlic bread filled the air.

Where did I go wrong?

The long and the short of it are--you are too trusting. Where are your from—Iowa?

Ah no, Hastings, Nebraska.

It probably wouldn’t have mattered too much because your new best friend Betty spotted you as easy prey weeks ago in all likelihood.

From this day forward you need to be constantly aware of your surroundings in the city.  You are not in Kansas anymore Dorothy and there are no red slippers for fast escapes. You need to change your route to and from work every so often. Lastly, if there are too many coincidences in your chance meetings with new people—be on alert. By, the way my name is John Gray.

We had a great dinner and as we walked back to my apartment around 9 pm I noticed a moving van in front of my apartment.

I’ll walk you to the door, John said.             

We reached my apartment and I noticed John had a funny smirk on his face. Several men were in my apartment arranging my stolen furniture.

“Hey John, where did you want the sofa?” said a tall and lanky man.

John turned to me and said, a little surprise courtesy of the Pinkerton Agency. These are my boys. Where do you want the sofa?

I stammered and then through the tears said, under the bay window—thank you.